"INSPIRATION"

I'm pissed off.  Sort of.  Now I feel more drained than anything, but I want to get this off my chest.  Look at how quickly I'm updating this blog; isn't it impressive?

Really, I don't even want to waste time with a quote and a picture because I just want to write about how pissed off I am.  Because the person I should be able to talk to this about is the one that made me mad in the first place.  She does this every time something even minutely makes her angry - why does it have to go on Facebook?  It's our problem; we should work it out, not let the entire world know that something went wrong with our plans.  Or lack thereof.  I let it drop when she said she didn't want a plan.  I just like to know where things are headed and why and who's going to be what.  I don't like to just jump in not knowing anything.

I don't understand why she feels the need to tell everyone that my desire to plan is "swallowing up her inspiration."  Because honestly, I have no inspiration for this topic.  This is something I would rather drag my feet over.  More characters?  More names?  I'm tired of making new things.  I have other characters I'd rather focus on, but I know how much she likes to make new things and move on, so I agreed.  For some reason.  I guess my subtle 'I'm dragging my feet about this' hints aren't doing the trick, though. 

I'm tired.  I'm tired, and it's been more than a week that we did anything writing-related.  I've found other people to help fill that hole, and the first thing she wants to do back is something completely new.  I'm not good at making up characters on the fly, and I'm not good at brainstorming when I've been glued to the books all day, trying to study for a test.  I'm not in the mood to brainstorm, either; why did I agree to this?

She wants to be "spontaneous" and keep her "inspiration..."  But this isn't a one-way street.  If I'm going to have a part in writing this, I want to know what's going on and what the plan is.  I like plans.  I like to know who belongs where and why and how.  I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.  It's me, and she should know me well enough to not get mad at that.  She talks about how friends in the past haven't gotten to know her well enough to know that when she's angry, it's not just anger - it's the brief flash, and then it's more a matter of pride, or of being sad.  With me, shouldn't she know that I'm not angry, that I'm just frustrated that we don't have anything done, that I can't make characters so quickly, or that I've been so busy all day, this is not what I need for an evening?

I don't do things so quickly, and I don't know what she was expecting, but this was not it.  I'm irritated, more because she came up with an idea so quickly and didn't define what, exactly, she wanted.  I don't know what she wants from this setting; all I know is that it's taken me hours to create new characters, hours that I could have spent studying more or doing something productive.  I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm not in the mood for this.

The more I read her status, the more I feel... I don't know; I just feel kind of empty.  Like she's turned on me because I'm trying to do what she wants, and now this situation is my fault because I asked a few questions.  I'm not in the mood for this at all; I'm trying my best to do something quickly that doesn't come naturally to me, and I feel like she's getting angry at me for being uncomfortable with just jumping right in.  I don't write like that; I never have.  I would rather sit down and plan things out from beginning to end than jump right in and see where things go.

But I'm exhausted; it's too early for me to be this emotionally unstable.  I'm going to bed, and maybe a good night's sleep will help me work out the kinks in these new characters - if I work them out at all; I'm losing my already-limited interest in this setting very, very quickly.  Otherwise, I'll wake up tomorrow with another headache, nothing for breakfast, and a boring class to sit through.

Hey.  At least I have my other role plays to work on.  Those would still definitely cheer me up... if only it wasn't 12:12 AM.  How did I go from being so happy to being so irritated in such a short amount of time?  This sucks.

I'm going to bed, for real this time.  Thanks, blog - I'm glad you're here for me, even if no one is reading this.  It really helps me to get these feelings off my chest.

PEACE
-lee