"MOODS"

Okay, I don't really feel inspired enough to find a quote and picture like usual, and I'm definitely not up for finding a word that has 'lee' in it. 

So today, we were supposed to start writing something - the Teahouse bit, and I had finally convinced myself to be enthusiastic for it and make new characters and get everything ready so we really could play all day, like she said.  But of course, when I get my hopes up for something, it never happens.  Well, maybe not never, but hardly ever.  So now I'm stuck with doing nothing while I wait for her to draw even more pictures and color them and design even more characters. 

I don't mind the pictures, and it wouldn't be a big deal at all if this wouldn't have been the first day we were going to play since like... two weeks ago.  Whenever she got those markers.  It probably hasn't been two weeks; I'm exaggerating, most likely, but on that token, it's been a long time.  I don't know what she thinks I do during the day when I'm not writing with her, but lately I've been having to work very quickly to fill that hole.  There are huge chunks in my day that I don't have anything to do.

It's only frustrating because I was so looking forward to playing.  I accidentally slept through my alarm, and when I got up, I was ready to start.  I wanted to get words down and I wanted to start working with our new characters, but now, I'm stuck doing nothing and replying to an RP that isn't quite as interesting or as fast-paced while I wait.  I think she's mad at me too, for not being completely enthused about her making four new character sketches.  How can I be enthusiastic about that when it's all she's been doing for a week?  Pictures are great, sure, but I'm ready for something a little more substantial.

Otherwise, it's going to be "by noon" that I'll have characters to work with, but what am I supposed to do until then?  I have a class almost right after that, and then I have to go to work... These are hours lost.  I need to work on my biology homework and study for the test, work on my math quiz, do so many things, and right now, I'm just stuck waiting.  Waiting isn't fun at all.  I literally have nothing to do; I planned my day around the promise that we were going to play all day, and now that we aren't, I'm bored.

This is starting to get on my nerves.  I mean, honestly?  I'm bored and tired and I'm getting another headache.  I can feel it starting right between my eyes and I still have another hour left at work.  This sucks, and I'm tired of feeling like that.

But short of not talking, I'm not comfortable telling her any of this.  She's my best friend, sure, but I'm not good with explaining my feelings.  Blogging is easy; I can just sit down and rant about my feelings.  Actually explaining it to another person is tricky.  You have to think about the way you say something, your word choice, and whatever else you add.  It gets so complicated and I feel like if I explained all of this, I would start a fight.  I don't want to start any fights; I don't want to do anything except play.  I don't like drama, and I especially don't want to waste any more time.  I'm tired of wasting time with doing nothing.

Like right now.  I'm tired of all of this.  If she isn't done and we haven't started playing by the time I leave work, I'm honestly just going to take a nap and try to forget about it.  I'm losing inspiration with how long this is taking, and I don't like that. 

But I should do productive things now instead of ranting about how I feel frustrated and kind of burned out all the time.  Blog-therapy... So good for me. :)

PEACE.
-lee

"INSPIRATION"

I'm pissed off.  Sort of.  Now I feel more drained than anything, but I want to get this off my chest.  Look at how quickly I'm updating this blog; isn't it impressive?

Really, I don't even want to waste time with a quote and a picture because I just want to write about how pissed off I am.  Because the person I should be able to talk to this about is the one that made me mad in the first place.  She does this every time something even minutely makes her angry - why does it have to go on Facebook?  It's our problem; we should work it out, not let the entire world know that something went wrong with our plans.  Or lack thereof.  I let it drop when she said she didn't want a plan.  I just like to know where things are headed and why and who's going to be what.  I don't like to just jump in not knowing anything.

I don't understand why she feels the need to tell everyone that my desire to plan is "swallowing up her inspiration."  Because honestly, I have no inspiration for this topic.  This is something I would rather drag my feet over.  More characters?  More names?  I'm tired of making new things.  I have other characters I'd rather focus on, but I know how much she likes to make new things and move on, so I agreed.  For some reason.  I guess my subtle 'I'm dragging my feet about this' hints aren't doing the trick, though. 

I'm tired.  I'm tired, and it's been more than a week that we did anything writing-related.  I've found other people to help fill that hole, and the first thing she wants to do back is something completely new.  I'm not good at making up characters on the fly, and I'm not good at brainstorming when I've been glued to the books all day, trying to study for a test.  I'm not in the mood to brainstorm, either; why did I agree to this?

She wants to be "spontaneous" and keep her "inspiration..."  But this isn't a one-way street.  If I'm going to have a part in writing this, I want to know what's going on and what the plan is.  I like plans.  I like to know who belongs where and why and how.  I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.  It's me, and she should know me well enough to not get mad at that.  She talks about how friends in the past haven't gotten to know her well enough to know that when she's angry, it's not just anger - it's the brief flash, and then it's more a matter of pride, or of being sad.  With me, shouldn't she know that I'm not angry, that I'm just frustrated that we don't have anything done, that I can't make characters so quickly, or that I've been so busy all day, this is not what I need for an evening?

I don't do things so quickly, and I don't know what she was expecting, but this was not it.  I'm irritated, more because she came up with an idea so quickly and didn't define what, exactly, she wanted.  I don't know what she wants from this setting; all I know is that it's taken me hours to create new characters, hours that I could have spent studying more or doing something productive.  I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm not in the mood for this.

The more I read her status, the more I feel... I don't know; I just feel kind of empty.  Like she's turned on me because I'm trying to do what she wants, and now this situation is my fault because I asked a few questions.  I'm not in the mood for this at all; I'm trying my best to do something quickly that doesn't come naturally to me, and I feel like she's getting angry at me for being uncomfortable with just jumping right in.  I don't write like that; I never have.  I would rather sit down and plan things out from beginning to end than jump right in and see where things go.

But I'm exhausted; it's too early for me to be this emotionally unstable.  I'm going to bed, and maybe a good night's sleep will help me work out the kinks in these new characters - if I work them out at all; I'm losing my already-limited interest in this setting very, very quickly.  Otherwise, I'll wake up tomorrow with another headache, nothing for breakfast, and a boring class to sit through.

Hey.  At least I have my other role plays to work on.  Those would still definitely cheer me up... if only it wasn't 12:12 AM.  How did I go from being so happy to being so irritated in such a short amount of time?  This sucks.

I'm going to bed, for real this time.  Thanks, blog - I'm glad you're here for me, even if no one is reading this.  It really helps me to get these feelings off my chest.

PEACE
-lee

LEE - P FROG

Creativity makes a leap, then looks to see where it is.
-Mason Cooley

L      E      A      P

So, despite the happy-happy picture, my good mood has vanished.

And not just because today was busy.  Monday is my ridiculous day; what was I thinking?  Math so early in the morning?  I can barely handle math late in the afternoon, after a nap, when I'm nice and wide awake.  But whatever, at least Monday is over and I can slide through the rest of my week fairly easily.  Except for the fact that I've gone from slap-happy to kind of irritated in a fairly short span of time.

Really.  More characters.  The last time we made new characters, I dragged my feet.  I didn't particularly want to.  Now, I still don't particularly want to, even if the setting would be interesting.  It would be difficult to establish formal relationships and have character interaction with this kind of setting, though, and while it kind of bothers me, I know I shouldn't worry about it.  Because it probably won't last more than the evening before I go back to being put on the back burner.

Not that I'm complaining about the art, either.  I like art.  I like to look at pictures that are relevant to me.  I like to help plan those pictures, since I can't take any part in contributing.  What I don't like is the amount of time that it's been solely pictures, and the most playing we can come together for is a new scene.  I don't want to do a new scene.  I want to sit down and work out part five and post it - but saying that makes me sound like a nag, and I hate that.  I don't want to always be the one who brings up 'hey, I want to play.'  It makes me feel like I'm bothering her, or that she's the one dragging her feet because she doesn't actually want to play, she's just appeasing me.

Now I'm sitting down with my Taco Bell - some nice, fattening, college-student-diet food, and it's making me feel a little better.  I think I'm actually starting to like the idea of making new characters.  But then again, it might be me trying to psychologically trick myself into thinking that way.  Or probably not; I need to stop thinking like a psych major.  Even though I am.

Or maybe I'm tapping into my bipolar-ness that was really prevalent in like, eighth grade.  I was a nut in eighth grade, no joke.  I wasn't technically bipolar - but I was damn near close to it, at least at school.  You don't even know; I was fuckin nuts.  But that isn't the point.  I think I'm starting to feel better.  Maybe it was the fact that I was so hungry all day that was putting me in such a bad mood.  Or maybe my moods play leapfrog like my title suggests.  That's probably it too.

So now that I'm eating something warm and filling, I feel a lot better.  About all of this.  Blogging and eating, man.  Two things that are guaranteed to put me in a better mood.  So now I'm going to traipse off with my tea and try to work out the kinks in my biology notes... Test on Friday, and I'm studying already!  Man, I feel good.

So hopefully I won't undergo a major tone shift the next time I blog, since it seems to be becoming a habit.  I kind of like this.  Not gonna lie.  It's fun.  And it keeps me exercising my fingers - not that they really need it, but whatever.  You know?  Anyway.  I'm out.  Gotta eat.

PEACE.

-lee 

CLEAR - LEE

All the windows of my heart I open to the day.

-John Greenleaf Whittier

W     I     N     D     O     W

The weather is very clear today.  I kind of like it.

I'm on a roll!  This is like, the third time I've blogged this week.  It seems to be really good for my mental health, too; I've felt kind of happier all weekend.  It's excellent.  Even though I've left all of my homework for today, I feel really good.  And happy.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I got some strawberry lemonade Powerade - yes, I am that easy to please - or the fact that I got some good food to eat for lunch this week.  I'm not sure, but the fact is that even though I'm writing a lab report, I feel much better.

So this week, I'm looking forward to a little more than last week.  I only have one test, which is completely great, and aside from that, I have some great food to eat for lunch, like I said.  We went out and bought some lunch meat, good cheese, and bread, and with our little panini press, we'll be able to make some great sandwiches.  I am so pumped for it.  They're going to be delicious!

In terms of writing, I'm not really getting a lot done today, actually.  I have homework, like I said, and I'd really like to get a jump start on studying for my test - which should bump my grade up, I hope - and then maybe take a nap or something.  But this week should be so much better than last week, and there's only twelve more days until I can visit home, if I remember correctly.  Friday was 14, and it's been two days since then... Hopefully my mental math skills haven't deteriorated too much!

Speaking of math, I'm taking plane trigonometry this semester - oh god, what was I thinking; that's so close to geometry I could spit on it - and I'm actually doing... well.  Surprise, surprise, the geometry retard is doing better in plane trig than she is in any other class, right now.  It's madness, I tell you!

See, you can already tell how much of a better mood I'm in!  I'm joking all over the place.  And I just went to go use the printer in our dorm lobby, and for the first time since school started, it worked.  I am having such a good day; it's a little ridiculous.

So, for once, my blog is a rant about how great today is and not about how I feel angsty or sad or lonely or anything.  But I've got more things to do - studying evolution and DNA and RNA and Darwin and stuff; really riveting things - so I'm outta here.

PEACE.

-lee

LEE - CHEE

A man's worth has its seasons, like fruit.

- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 L      Y      C      H      E      E

Hands down, lychee is my favorite fruit.

Raspberries give it a close second, though.  They might even be tied.  But I am a huge fan of fruit.  Mango, peach, raspberry, pomegranate, pear, lychee, blueberry - I love it.  Except for bananas; I'm very particular about when I will eat one of those.  Sometimes I do it when I'm PMS'ing, just for the fact that the potassium is supposed to help with cramps.  It probably doesn't do much anyway, since I only ever eat like, one every couple of months.  Oh well.

But today, I was going through my friend's artwork - and it was really bumming me out.  Not because the art was bad, quite the opposite, but it was really bringing to light that I'm becoming too dependent on one person to spend all of my time on or with. This past week, as busy as it's been, I've been kind of... bored.  Between the studying and the homework and all the things I had to do, there wasn't anything to do.

It might simply be a case of putting all of my eggs in one basket, though.  I've been so busy focused on just our characters that I've neglected branching out and working on my own writing, or that I've lost interest in almost everything else.  But I shouldn't do that, I realized.  I've been holing myself up with one person for so long that I've forgotten that when I'm relying on one person to take up all my time, when they're gone or busy or not interested, I've got nothing to do.

So hopefully today I can get more things done than just moping around.  I've got some writing of my own to finish, and I've got a new project in mind to start... so hopefully all of that will turn out better than my last week, writing-wise.  I'm so ready to do something.

I would also really, really like some lychee fruits.  They are delicious and nutritious and I love them. <3

But that's really all for now; I'll blog again later when I feel like talking about something more useful. 

PEACE.

-lee

TOTAL - LEE

When a subject becomes totally obsolete, we make it a required course.

-Peter Drucker 

L          M          N

So today was also busy.  

Who am I kidding; this whole week has been so busy.  Test Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, four quizzes due Friday, so much to do over the weekend it isn't even funny.  Hopefully I can pencil in some coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a while; we need to do some catching up.

I have a very distinct feeling that the person I'm waiting on isn't going to do what they've said and that I'll be sitting here at my computer for another long evening.  I need to find something more productive to do with my time.  I've just been reading over old role plays and old stories and old writing - but I haven't actually been doing much of anything.  It's been like that for the last week, whenever I have time.  But because I've had so much to study for this past week, I haven't had time for much fun.

I did kick my trig test in the face, though.  Me.  Kicking trig.  I was so impressed; all my studying really paid off.  My psychology test went fairly well, and my oceanography test I'm not sure about yet.  Can't call it until I get a grade for it. :)

So, for today - I am exhausted.  I haven't been sleeping as much as usual because of my studying - yeah, because I'm so hardcore that I cut sleeping corners to stay up and keep reading notes - and I haven't really had time for anything fun all week.  I'm so ready for this week to be over.  We're going to go grocery shopping and buy lunch for the rest of the week, and then we'll have healthy foods to eat... I'm really looking forward to that.  I hate fast food.

I'm pretty much ready to go to bed already, even though it's only ten thirty.  I'm trying to drink lots of water, though - I've been breaking out so bad from all this stress.  It sucks, and I don't like it at all.

I feel kind of down, too.  Not just because I'm bored, but because I feel kind of... off.  And of course, the only times I sit down to blog, I can't really put my finger on how I feel.  Maybe it's because I've been listening to too much sad music lately.  That could be it; La Llorona and Camisa Negra aren't exactly the most chipper songs.  Excellent, but not chipper.

I really, really need to cut my nails.

I don't think I will, though.  Mostly I need to take a shower and try to convince myself that I don't feel overweight.  I know I'm not overweight - but I've been eating so much crappy food lately that I feel heavy.  It's irritating, along with the fact that I have nothing to do and that I've been putting off finding things to do for the hope that what I actually would like to do will crop up - but no.  That's a no go. 

But now that I've finished my biology quiz, two math quizzes, and sufficiently prepared for two Spanish quizzes tomorrow, I think I'm going to take a shower - finally, and I'll stop bitching about how I feel gross, too - and turn in.  There isn't anything to do anyway...

PEACE.

-lee

LEE-WAY

Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.

-Terry Pratchett 

W          X          Y          Z

Today and yesterday - so busy.

It was a little ridiculous how busy yesterday was.  I mean, Mondays are usually my busiest day of the week.  I don't know what I was thinking when I thought it would be a good idea to make Monday the only day I get up earlier than eight in the morning, but apparently, I did.  What was I thinking?  At least I got some good food today.  So many vegetables; I love it.  But I will say - I'm tired.  Today was so long and so full of activity.  Morning math and psychology, a break for lunch, Spanish, time for a twenty minute nap, three hours of mixing chemicals and pretending to know how to use a spechtrophotometer, and then hours toiling in math lab.

I like being busy, but this is a little ridiculous.  This morning, the girlfriend tried to wake me up to say goodbye, since Tuesdays are reasonable and I only have to roll out of bed at ten to get to my first class on time.  She said I sort of kicked at her and grumbled and she had to leave without telling me goodbye after all.  I was a little sad, but somehow I managed to wake up without an alarm and drag myself to class - oceanography - to learn about sediments and the ocean floor and things that don't sound so interesting via blog but are actually right up my alley.
 
But the real reason I wanted to blog today - and yesterday, I guess, since I started this post Monday and just never got around to finishing it - is because I feel kind of lonely.  Not that blogging is a good alternative for human interaction.  I mean, it's probably because my estrogen levels are through the roof - wink, that time of the month - but I dunno.  I just feel really down right now.

Of course, I couldn't exactly talk this out with anyone.  I don't feel completely comfortable sharing my feelings with real people; I don't know if that's the way I was raised or if it's a personal reflection of the fact that I trust so few people, but talking about myself and my problems and my feelings has never come naturally to me.  I don't know how to get the words out.  I'm not good at it.  And anything I'm not good at, I immediately dislike.  Call it perfectionism to a fault - I can't talk about my feelings because if it isn't exactly the way I feel expressed in words, it's not good enough.  Maybe that's it.

I did stumble across a very interesting article the other day, though.  The fifteen distorted ways of thinking.  It was a basic list, but reading over it, I really realized just how easily our perception of reality can be distorted by simply thinking a certain way.  Like, for me, I catastrophize.  Really badly.  Didn't get a text from the girlfriend who went to work on a project?  She's probably hurt somewhere - or lying on the side of the road, phone smashed - or dead or dying - or she never made it - or something.  It's never just, "Oh, no text?  Well, she's scatterbrained.  I'm sure she just forgot."  Everything has to be taken up a notch. 


It might be a reflection of my psychological health that I think the worst of everything.  I don't like to have my hopes let down, and I don't like to be wrong.  Preparing for the worst is something I do naturally, most of the time.  And when I don't, I realize that I should have.


I'm thinking about writing something with those distorted ways of thinking, actually.  It sounds like a fun project, and I think I'm gonna do it.  Maybe I'll plot something out right now, since there isn't much else to do.  On the other hand, I could just go to sleep.  How I love sleep...


But I guess I've rambled about different things for long enough; I don't really feel any better, but at least it's out there that I feel lonely and I'm not in a very good mood right now.  Maybe some hot chocolate and a hot shower will make me feel better...


PEACE.
-LEE

SERIOUS - LEE?

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously. -Oscar Wilde

Q          R          S

 Thanks, Shakespeare.

For some reason, I'm updating much faster than normal.  This is weird.  I mean, seriously, I don't update this thing very often, but suddenly I'm on a roll.  Today, I think I'm going to.. I dunno.  I really have no idea what to write about today, except for the fact that I have nothing new or exciting to talk about.

We had a snow day - a snow day! Seriously! - on Friday.  It was the lamest snow day ever, for realz.  So Thursday, after I get out of my last class - of course, after everything is done, I'm sitting with a friend checking the weather.  The forecast?  A 90% chance of winter mix, ice and icy rain, sleet, snow, everything in between.  We got so excited, since in southern Louisiana, where I now live, it doesn't exactly snow very often.  As a precaution, school shut down a day early - at 4:30 in the afternoon (of course my class ended at 4:30) and the next day we were free!

Only Friday rolled around and there was nothing on the ground.  Rain, sure, but ice and sleet and snow?  Not a trace.  It was cold and wet and a little miserable to walk in, but other than that, we got nothing. Nada.  Not even a little sliver of ice on the ground or hanging off of someone's car or anything.  So lame.  

But aside from that, I have a few really cool new plots going with a couple different friends... I'm really excited about it.  We've got a gypsy and a royal, two models, one of the Fair Folk and a Pixie, a super homo designer and his amazing Italian chef boyfriend...  And there are plots to go with them!  I mean, seriously, I love plot.  All of this is so new and exciting; I love it so much!  Of course, all of the other plots I've got going with my other friend are good too~  Hopefully we can get part four of our tale up pretty soon... If you want to check it out, it's at reytaio.webs.com.  Pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

But I'm starting to feel kind of angsty and I don't want to write another blog complaining about how I feel, so I'm gonna cut myself short and say this is the end.  So, I'm outta here for now... Gotta find something to do while everyone is gone or out or busy and I'm bored and lonely.  Sad face!

PEACE.

-LEE