SWIMMING - LEE

Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air. 
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

S     W     I     M     M     I     N     G     L     Y

So I haven't blogged since my last, quasi-angsty piece a little more than a week ago, but I had good reason.  Mardi Gras holiday was spectacular.

The night after I blogged all of that last, my best friend called me crying and almost hysterical; she had worked herself up into a frenzy about things I might have thought or said - none of which turned out to be the real way I felt - and wanted to talk about her decision for us not to sleep together anymore.  So we talked it out, and I wasn't mad, just a little bewildered at the so sudden decision; we worked everything out and now things are almost exactly the way they were before, just without the sex.  It's still fun to role play in person, of course.  We got a lot of funny looks at the mall the other day.

We've started some new role plays, too, with all three of us - bonding, you know?  We made a whole slew of new characters and an interesting new setting for them, and I have some more angsty writing to do later... It feels like the end of the week is going to be pretty good, especially if I can manage to get all my work done and still have plenty of time for writing. That would be very, very ideal.

Today was kind of boring; we did our customary seven-hour car ride from home to home, and now we're back in Louisiana until spring break... I can't wait until spring break.  It's going to be awesome.  It's just so disappointing that we have a different break from like, everyone else in the world.  Or at least, everyone else in the United States.  Okay, fine; everyone else in Texas has a spring break this coming week, and we don't.  We just get Mardi Gras and then more break in a month or so.  Give or take.  I wish it was now.

I wish I wasn't on my period, though.  Sad face!  That means no sex, and while I hate to share the gory details of my excellent and lesbian sex life, that means I won't be getting any until like... next week.  And with the new and exciting array of helpful 'toys' we have obtained, next week could not come any faster.  No pun intended.  Lol, do you see what I did there?  Pretty clever.  I crack myself up.

But all in all, life is going pretty well.  We didn't die en route to college, Mardi Gras was awesome, and we even got to eat some pretty delicious foodstuffs and have an awesome picnic.  I'm really pleased with the way things turned out, and while I'm disappointed that all these new characters don't really leave too much room for working with our old couples, at least for a while, it does give us the opportunity to expand and include there people in our role playing.  We're going to have lots of fun!  We've already got a sun elf, a rogue, a human, a vampire, a Bible thumper, and a siren... and we'll probably have a gypsy or two soon, and a healer, and maybe a couple bad guys thrown in?  It's really going to be fun. 

But, as it is late and I have yet to do important things like shower and get ready for bed, I'm gonna have to be outta here.  First day back at school tomorrow, and I have to look decent.  And by decent, I mean not exhausted.  So - maybe more important drama will happen later this week.  Hopefully not.  I like my life to be drama-free and slightly angsty.  Lol not really.  

PEACE.

-lee

OOC

So this is about more drama and I don't want to waste time with a picture and quote and clever wordplay; I want to get right to the issue while my feelings are still fresh.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it in my blog before, but I'm a bisexual female with a girlfriend.  I've been with her for pushing three years now, and we've been through so much together.  I know I'm still fairly young to have had such a steady relationship, but I don't really care what studies say about high school relationships.  Ours is still going strong, you know?  But I've also been fooling around - read: sleeping with - my best friend.  My girlfriend knew about it and was relatively okay with it; I mean, I'd made it clear to her that I want to do things and try things and that some of that won't include her.

But as usual, something has to go wrong - I wish being objective was easier.  I got home from Walmart, buying some bread and milk and Nutella (which is fabulous, by the way), and she spells out those words that no one ever wants to hear - because everyone knows that when someone close to you says, "We need to talk," there's a problem. 

Apparently my friend was out all day with a new friend and 'spilled her feelings' to this new friend.  Feelings that, apparently, can't be shared with me because they'd be inappropriate and messy.  But I'm pretty sure I know what the deal is; my best friend wants to be my girlfriend but doesn't want to break up me and my current girlfriend.  I don't want to sound conceited or anything in assuming that she wants to be my girlfriend; I'm not that good at reading between the lines, but I think there are some signs.

Personally, I have trouble trying to figure out who I would pick if I was faced with the choice.  If I had to chose between my best friend and my girlfriend in a competition like that - there are pros and cons to both of them, you know?  And I don't want to lose either of them, ultimately, because I'm too indecisive and slightly wimpish to make a definitive choice.  I want to keep up this happy lifestyle that we've had up until now, and I don't want to lose my role play partner or my girlfriend of almost three years.  I don't want things to change.

But feelings are messy, I guess.  You can't really control who you fall in love with or how things work out.  I wish it were possible to have a legitimate three-way relationship, but I guess that isn't really realistic.  In the end it boils down to 'which one of us do you really like better,' and I don't want to play that game.  But anyway, my best friend has decided that the best thing for us right now is that we shouldn't sleep together anymore.  I'm okay with that, I guess.  I'll miss it, sure, and I'm a little disappointed, but I'll live.  It's not going to drastically affect my lifestyle or anything.

It might make things a little awkward between us, I'm sure.  Since we're not sleeping together, what does that mean in terms of touching and kissing and snuggling?  Are we not going to do that anymore either, and I'm on a two-foot distance all the time?  Or does it mean it's going to be exactly the way it was before, just without the sex?  I don't really know; she logged off before we had a chance to really talk about it.

I'm not really sure what to think about all of this, but I guess there's nothing else to do but let it run its course.  We'll have to see how things turn out and how this affects our relationship from here on out.  Bottom line - I really, really don't want to lose either of these people from my life.  That's my goal. 

But I'm tired; I think I'm going to sleep on this, excuse the terrible un-funny pun, and see if it makes any difference in the morning.

One last note - this makes me infinitely glad that neither of them know I blog.  I can yak about my feelings all I want and nobody is any wiser...

PEACE.
-lee

CURRENT - LEE

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Benjamin Franklin

 

T     H     R     E     E          D     A     Y     S

There are only three days left until I can go home for the first time since the semester started. 

Obviously I am in a much better mood.  Things have been going very well for the past few days; I've gotten in some good writing - so much angst, oh my god - and things have been passing by pretty quickly.  As long as I ace my math test tomorrow, this week will be pretty much awesome.  I'm going to head home on Friday after my psychology quiz, and even though the seven-odd hour drive is going to be pretty awful, I'm so excited for it.  I can't wait to just head down I-10, cruise down the bumpy Louisiana roads, and head home.

I'm mostly excited because I want to see my friend.  This break isn't going to be our longest, but it's definitely going to be fun; the night I come home, it is quite possible that we're going to go clubbing.  We went clubbing once before, and while we were painfully overdressed, we looked so good.  Hopefully this time I won't have to go painfully overdressed.  I like dressing down just as much as the next person, thank you.  Jeans and t-shirts are the staple of my wardrobe.  Actually, shorts and t-shirts; I'm not gonna lie.  The weather has been fabulous for the past week.

I mean, it looked like ti was going to rain yesterday, but then it almost always looks like that on Mondays.. It's weird.  But it didn't; the clouds burned off, and today there isn't one in the sky that I can see.  It's so blue and bright and crisp; I love it.

Writing has been going so well this past week too.  We've gotten so much done - we're so close to being done with part five for Reytaio and Solarim, and I got a very long spiel done with my pirates.  They're so depressing, though!  Part of the reason Solarim is so unhappy is because his best friend dies - but his best friend has a lover, you know?  And that lover is my character, Chex, so I spent some time figuring out exactly how he was going to fall apart after Juno died.  He's a pirate, too, so I have another pirate character who tangled with Solarim for a while come back into the picture... It's so interesting that we created these characters on such a whim and they have the potential to be so deep...

I love it.  It's been a great week and a great weekend so far.  Even today, my biology was canceled! That might mean I get to go out for coffee instead of going to classes or doing math homework - though I do need to do both of those things eventually.  I need to get everything fixed for the weekend so that way we can just hit the road and not have to worry about complications or anything.

I'm so excited!  I can't wait to go home and eat real food and hang out with friends... It's going to be wonderful.  I mean, seeing my family is a bonus too - especially my kitties! <3  I love my kitties so much - and we're probably going to sit down and figure out where we're going to live next fall, too... Picking out an apartment.  How fun!  

So pretty much I'm in a good mood today and I don't want anything to ruin it.  So before I get angsty or sad, I'll quit my blog today and just find something else to occupy my time with at work.  Because honestly, I sorted four papers today and put a binder on the shelf.  I have a really difficult job, huh.

PEACE.

-lee 

"MOODS"

Okay, I don't really feel inspired enough to find a quote and picture like usual, and I'm definitely not up for finding a word that has 'lee' in it. 

So today, we were supposed to start writing something - the Teahouse bit, and I had finally convinced myself to be enthusiastic for it and make new characters and get everything ready so we really could play all day, like she said.  But of course, when I get my hopes up for something, it never happens.  Well, maybe not never, but hardly ever.  So now I'm stuck with doing nothing while I wait for her to draw even more pictures and color them and design even more characters. 

I don't mind the pictures, and it wouldn't be a big deal at all if this wouldn't have been the first day we were going to play since like... two weeks ago.  Whenever she got those markers.  It probably hasn't been two weeks; I'm exaggerating, most likely, but on that token, it's been a long time.  I don't know what she thinks I do during the day when I'm not writing with her, but lately I've been having to work very quickly to fill that hole.  There are huge chunks in my day that I don't have anything to do.

It's only frustrating because I was so looking forward to playing.  I accidentally slept through my alarm, and when I got up, I was ready to start.  I wanted to get words down and I wanted to start working with our new characters, but now, I'm stuck doing nothing and replying to an RP that isn't quite as interesting or as fast-paced while I wait.  I think she's mad at me too, for not being completely enthused about her making four new character sketches.  How can I be enthusiastic about that when it's all she's been doing for a week?  Pictures are great, sure, but I'm ready for something a little more substantial.

Otherwise, it's going to be "by noon" that I'll have characters to work with, but what am I supposed to do until then?  I have a class almost right after that, and then I have to go to work... These are hours lost.  I need to work on my biology homework and study for the test, work on my math quiz, do so many things, and right now, I'm just stuck waiting.  Waiting isn't fun at all.  I literally have nothing to do; I planned my day around the promise that we were going to play all day, and now that we aren't, I'm bored.

This is starting to get on my nerves.  I mean, honestly?  I'm bored and tired and I'm getting another headache.  I can feel it starting right between my eyes and I still have another hour left at work.  This sucks, and I'm tired of feeling like that.

But short of not talking, I'm not comfortable telling her any of this.  She's my best friend, sure, but I'm not good with explaining my feelings.  Blogging is easy; I can just sit down and rant about my feelings.  Actually explaining it to another person is tricky.  You have to think about the way you say something, your word choice, and whatever else you add.  It gets so complicated and I feel like if I explained all of this, I would start a fight.  I don't want to start any fights; I don't want to do anything except play.  I don't like drama, and I especially don't want to waste any more time.  I'm tired of wasting time with doing nothing.

Like right now.  I'm tired of all of this.  If she isn't done and we haven't started playing by the time I leave work, I'm honestly just going to take a nap and try to forget about it.  I'm losing inspiration with how long this is taking, and I don't like that. 

But I should do productive things now instead of ranting about how I feel frustrated and kind of burned out all the time.  Blog-therapy... So good for me. :)

PEACE.
-lee

"INSPIRATION"

I'm pissed off.  Sort of.  Now I feel more drained than anything, but I want to get this off my chest.  Look at how quickly I'm updating this blog; isn't it impressive?

Really, I don't even want to waste time with a quote and a picture because I just want to write about how pissed off I am.  Because the person I should be able to talk to this about is the one that made me mad in the first place.  She does this every time something even minutely makes her angry - why does it have to go on Facebook?  It's our problem; we should work it out, not let the entire world know that something went wrong with our plans.  Or lack thereof.  I let it drop when she said she didn't want a plan.  I just like to know where things are headed and why and who's going to be what.  I don't like to just jump in not knowing anything.

I don't understand why she feels the need to tell everyone that my desire to plan is "swallowing up her inspiration."  Because honestly, I have no inspiration for this topic.  This is something I would rather drag my feet over.  More characters?  More names?  I'm tired of making new things.  I have other characters I'd rather focus on, but I know how much she likes to make new things and move on, so I agreed.  For some reason.  I guess my subtle 'I'm dragging my feet about this' hints aren't doing the trick, though. 

I'm tired.  I'm tired, and it's been more than a week that we did anything writing-related.  I've found other people to help fill that hole, and the first thing she wants to do back is something completely new.  I'm not good at making up characters on the fly, and I'm not good at brainstorming when I've been glued to the books all day, trying to study for a test.  I'm not in the mood to brainstorm, either; why did I agree to this?

She wants to be "spontaneous" and keep her "inspiration..."  But this isn't a one-way street.  If I'm going to have a part in writing this, I want to know what's going on and what the plan is.  I like plans.  I like to know who belongs where and why and how.  I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.  It's me, and she should know me well enough to not get mad at that.  She talks about how friends in the past haven't gotten to know her well enough to know that when she's angry, it's not just anger - it's the brief flash, and then it's more a matter of pride, or of being sad.  With me, shouldn't she know that I'm not angry, that I'm just frustrated that we don't have anything done, that I can't make characters so quickly, or that I've been so busy all day, this is not what I need for an evening?

I don't do things so quickly, and I don't know what she was expecting, but this was not it.  I'm irritated, more because she came up with an idea so quickly and didn't define what, exactly, she wanted.  I don't know what she wants from this setting; all I know is that it's taken me hours to create new characters, hours that I could have spent studying more or doing something productive.  I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm not in the mood for this.

The more I read her status, the more I feel... I don't know; I just feel kind of empty.  Like she's turned on me because I'm trying to do what she wants, and now this situation is my fault because I asked a few questions.  I'm not in the mood for this at all; I'm trying my best to do something quickly that doesn't come naturally to me, and I feel like she's getting angry at me for being uncomfortable with just jumping right in.  I don't write like that; I never have.  I would rather sit down and plan things out from beginning to end than jump right in and see where things go.

But I'm exhausted; it's too early for me to be this emotionally unstable.  I'm going to bed, and maybe a good night's sleep will help me work out the kinks in these new characters - if I work them out at all; I'm losing my already-limited interest in this setting very, very quickly.  Otherwise, I'll wake up tomorrow with another headache, nothing for breakfast, and a boring class to sit through.

Hey.  At least I have my other role plays to work on.  Those would still definitely cheer me up... if only it wasn't 12:12 AM.  How did I go from being so happy to being so irritated in such a short amount of time?  This sucks.

I'm going to bed, for real this time.  Thanks, blog - I'm glad you're here for me, even if no one is reading this.  It really helps me to get these feelings off my chest.

PEACE
-lee

LEE - P FROG

Creativity makes a leap, then looks to see where it is.
-Mason Cooley

L      E      A      P

So, despite the happy-happy picture, my good mood has vanished.

And not just because today was busy.  Monday is my ridiculous day; what was I thinking?  Math so early in the morning?  I can barely handle math late in the afternoon, after a nap, when I'm nice and wide awake.  But whatever, at least Monday is over and I can slide through the rest of my week fairly easily.  Except for the fact that I've gone from slap-happy to kind of irritated in a fairly short span of time.

Really.  More characters.  The last time we made new characters, I dragged my feet.  I didn't particularly want to.  Now, I still don't particularly want to, even if the setting would be interesting.  It would be difficult to establish formal relationships and have character interaction with this kind of setting, though, and while it kind of bothers me, I know I shouldn't worry about it.  Because it probably won't last more than the evening before I go back to being put on the back burner.

Not that I'm complaining about the art, either.  I like art.  I like to look at pictures that are relevant to me.  I like to help plan those pictures, since I can't take any part in contributing.  What I don't like is the amount of time that it's been solely pictures, and the most playing we can come together for is a new scene.  I don't want to do a new scene.  I want to sit down and work out part five and post it - but saying that makes me sound like a nag, and I hate that.  I don't want to always be the one who brings up 'hey, I want to play.'  It makes me feel like I'm bothering her, or that she's the one dragging her feet because she doesn't actually want to play, she's just appeasing me.

Now I'm sitting down with my Taco Bell - some nice, fattening, college-student-diet food, and it's making me feel a little better.  I think I'm actually starting to like the idea of making new characters.  But then again, it might be me trying to psychologically trick myself into thinking that way.  Or probably not; I need to stop thinking like a psych major.  Even though I am.

Or maybe I'm tapping into my bipolar-ness that was really prevalent in like, eighth grade.  I was a nut in eighth grade, no joke.  I wasn't technically bipolar - but I was damn near close to it, at least at school.  You don't even know; I was fuckin nuts.  But that isn't the point.  I think I'm starting to feel better.  Maybe it was the fact that I was so hungry all day that was putting me in such a bad mood.  Or maybe my moods play leapfrog like my title suggests.  That's probably it too.

So now that I'm eating something warm and filling, I feel a lot better.  About all of this.  Blogging and eating, man.  Two things that are guaranteed to put me in a better mood.  So now I'm going to traipse off with my tea and try to work out the kinks in my biology notes... Test on Friday, and I'm studying already!  Man, I feel good.

So hopefully I won't undergo a major tone shift the next time I blog, since it seems to be becoming a habit.  I kind of like this.  Not gonna lie.  It's fun.  And it keeps me exercising my fingers - not that they really need it, but whatever.  You know?  Anyway.  I'm out.  Gotta eat.

PEACE.

-lee 

CLEAR - LEE

All the windows of my heart I open to the day.

-John Greenleaf Whittier

W     I     N     D     O     W

The weather is very clear today.  I kind of like it.

I'm on a roll!  This is like, the third time I've blogged this week.  It seems to be really good for my mental health, too; I've felt kind of happier all weekend.  It's excellent.  Even though I've left all of my homework for today, I feel really good.  And happy.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I got some strawberry lemonade Powerade - yes, I am that easy to please - or the fact that I got some good food to eat for lunch this week.  I'm not sure, but the fact is that even though I'm writing a lab report, I feel much better.

So this week, I'm looking forward to a little more than last week.  I only have one test, which is completely great, and aside from that, I have some great food to eat for lunch, like I said.  We went out and bought some lunch meat, good cheese, and bread, and with our little panini press, we'll be able to make some great sandwiches.  I am so pumped for it.  They're going to be delicious!

In terms of writing, I'm not really getting a lot done today, actually.  I have homework, like I said, and I'd really like to get a jump start on studying for my test - which should bump my grade up, I hope - and then maybe take a nap or something.  But this week should be so much better than last week, and there's only twelve more days until I can visit home, if I remember correctly.  Friday was 14, and it's been two days since then... Hopefully my mental math skills haven't deteriorated too much!

Speaking of math, I'm taking plane trigonometry this semester - oh god, what was I thinking; that's so close to geometry I could spit on it - and I'm actually doing... well.  Surprise, surprise, the geometry retard is doing better in plane trig than she is in any other class, right now.  It's madness, I tell you!

See, you can already tell how much of a better mood I'm in!  I'm joking all over the place.  And I just went to go use the printer in our dorm lobby, and for the first time since school started, it worked.  I am having such a good day; it's a little ridiculous.

So, for once, my blog is a rant about how great today is and not about how I feel angsty or sad or lonely or anything.  But I've got more things to do - studying evolution and DNA and RNA and Darwin and stuff; really riveting things - so I'm outta here.

PEACE.

-lee