OOC

So this is about more drama and I don't want to waste time with a picture and quote and clever wordplay; I want to get right to the issue while my feelings are still fresh.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it in my blog before, but I'm a bisexual female with a girlfriend.  I've been with her for pushing three years now, and we've been through so much together.  I know I'm still fairly young to have had such a steady relationship, but I don't really care what studies say about high school relationships.  Ours is still going strong, you know?  But I've also been fooling around - read: sleeping with - my best friend.  My girlfriend knew about it and was relatively okay with it; I mean, I'd made it clear to her that I want to do things and try things and that some of that won't include her.

But as usual, something has to go wrong - I wish being objective was easier.  I got home from Walmart, buying some bread and milk and Nutella (which is fabulous, by the way), and she spells out those words that no one ever wants to hear - because everyone knows that when someone close to you says, "We need to talk," there's a problem. 

Apparently my friend was out all day with a new friend and 'spilled her feelings' to this new friend.  Feelings that, apparently, can't be shared with me because they'd be inappropriate and messy.  But I'm pretty sure I know what the deal is; my best friend wants to be my girlfriend but doesn't want to break up me and my current girlfriend.  I don't want to sound conceited or anything in assuming that she wants to be my girlfriend; I'm not that good at reading between the lines, but I think there are some signs.

Personally, I have trouble trying to figure out who I would pick if I was faced with the choice.  If I had to chose between my best friend and my girlfriend in a competition like that - there are pros and cons to both of them, you know?  And I don't want to lose either of them, ultimately, because I'm too indecisive and slightly wimpish to make a definitive choice.  I want to keep up this happy lifestyle that we've had up until now, and I don't want to lose my role play partner or my girlfriend of almost three years.  I don't want things to change.

But feelings are messy, I guess.  You can't really control who you fall in love with or how things work out.  I wish it were possible to have a legitimate three-way relationship, but I guess that isn't really realistic.  In the end it boils down to 'which one of us do you really like better,' and I don't want to play that game.  But anyway, my best friend has decided that the best thing for us right now is that we shouldn't sleep together anymore.  I'm okay with that, I guess.  I'll miss it, sure, and I'm a little disappointed, but I'll live.  It's not going to drastically affect my lifestyle or anything.

It might make things a little awkward between us, I'm sure.  Since we're not sleeping together, what does that mean in terms of touching and kissing and snuggling?  Are we not going to do that anymore either, and I'm on a two-foot distance all the time?  Or does it mean it's going to be exactly the way it was before, just without the sex?  I don't really know; she logged off before we had a chance to really talk about it.

I'm not really sure what to think about all of this, but I guess there's nothing else to do but let it run its course.  We'll have to see how things turn out and how this affects our relationship from here on out.  Bottom line - I really, really don't want to lose either of these people from my life.  That's my goal. 

But I'm tired; I think I'm going to sleep on this, excuse the terrible un-funny pun, and see if it makes any difference in the morning.

One last note - this makes me infinitely glad that neither of them know I blog.  I can yak about my feelings all I want and nobody is any wiser...

PEACE.
-lee