S-LEE-PY

 Dawn:  When men of reason go to bed. 
- Ambrose Bierce

I don't write notes very often.  I'm not very good at documenting my feelings, and I enjoy it even less.  It just felt like right now, sitting at the desk at work, seemed like a good time to sit down and write about how I feel today.

Today is a fairly good day.

I woke up super early to get to work, during which I did simple tasts like alphabetize and deliver a stack of books across the quad.  It wasn't challenging, and I did get so much reading done out of my A Rulebook for Arguments, so I guess I really can't complain.

Then I left work in favor of my only class today, my critical thinking honors class.  My paper from last week - the one I was the ony one to write out freehand, because I'm definitely dumb - got called out as having made a good point.  It made me feel good; I even worked up enough courage to talk at least four times during teh discussion.  It feels like there's a group we have going; I talk, Meredith talks, Dillan talks, and a few other people chime in, but mostly it's the three of us that do a majority of the talking.  I don't mind.  I like to talk.  I especially like to argue - when it's just for fun.  Not to be confrontational.  I dislike that.

Now I'm at work again, sitting at the front desk.  There are a whole bunch of us here.  I don't remember seeing this many names on the schedule, but whatever.  I can deal with having three other people around.  It doesn't bother me much. 

Mostly I'm just hungry.  Getting from honors to here took some time, and all I had time to munch on was an apple.  I don't mind that much either.  I've been hungry a lot lately.  It's weird; there's no way I'm pregnant, but I just can't seem to get enough food.  Ever. 

I feel kind of.. blah today.  It was a fairly good day, but I'm not sure how to describe it.

I like it here.  The dorm is quiet most of the time - excet for those stupid bitches next door that bring people over at all hours of the day and night and laugh uproariously, like, 'Haha, we're having fun and you aren't.'  That pisses me off, and the next time they're laughing through the wall, they better believe I'm going to tell them to shut the fuck up.  Take your stupid laughing outside, please.  I do not have the patience nor the niceness to deal with that. 

I feel especially critical today.  I want to nitpick out all the details of everything and point out their flaws.  Not my own, though.  I don't want to point out that I have flaws.  I know I do; I just don't want to poke at them today. 

My hands are shaking worse than normal.  My eyes sting too - I think I need to sleep.  I'm hungry, tired, and bored.

This note is turning into a bunch of complaining.  I don't really mind.  It's easier for me to complain in writing than it is for me to speak it out loud.  I would rather both Facebook with my problems than anyone else.

Something is going on.  I don't know what it is, or what it might be, but something is definitely going on - going wrong, maybe.  This 'college' business is interesting - some fun, some not - but I don't feel like I'm doing enough.  Not that I would do more if I had it, probably.  I don't do enough with what I have, that's for sure.  But I did think about a lot of things last night, when I shut down all my means of contacting people and sat in the room, all the lights off, no music, no noise, just me.

This is also why I dislike writing notes.  They always turn out depressing and angsty and I dislke that too.

But I did a lot of thinking.

And part of this thinking brought me into direct contact with things like flaws - things that I didn't want to poke at.  Things like my self image, things like my emotional issues, things like my personal perception.  It has recently become very obvious that I see things in an entirely different light than most people.  Maybe this light is detached.  Maybe too detached from situations to figure out what things said and done are actually about.

I think I'm done.  When I'm better-rested, I'll write again.  Now that I'm on my own, there's nothing stopping me.

I'm out for now.

PEACE.
 -lee